Wednesday, February 26, 2014

"Pray?" by Isidro Zapata

What? I sat their stun for a second. Did I hear him right? He went on and say you write down the pros and cons of each choice then pray. When God gives you an answer then you do what he tells you to do. I looked at him and replied “I will I promise”.
I looked down on the floor and asked him if he could please help me up? I was embarrassed to have to ask for help to get out of the chair. As he helped me up he asked if I needed help to my car? This just pretty much just broke me and showed me where I really am.
For a split second her voice rang loud and clear in my head. I made up my mind in what I am going to do no need to pray.
As I got into my car I had to sit and rest so I went and turned on the radio. The voice coming through the radio just started speaking about the exact situation I am in!! Everything I had been dealing with, but how? How could this be? Every single word he spoke seemed it was just for me to hear and no one else. God knows, what we need to hear and at the right time in our lives.
I felt so torn about this whole mess. It was so clear to me yesterday in what I wanted to do. In reality it is not so easy to throw the truth away.  Just thought all I had to do was sign my name & give everything up for a fake love.
Tonight though, it is not easy to walk away. Up to that point my choice was easy to make! I truly, felt that this is all I can ever have and why let it go?  I know, this is all wrong but it is all I have. Her words repeat themselves in my head  “For me to be honest with myself & where I am in life and who will be there for me like she is!!” She said it like it was a fact “No, one she said!” So I need to be honest with myself so I can have something in my life that is not real.
I drove home even more mixed up then I had been all day to the point where I could not even write a letter. I tried for over three hours just to write one letter but for some reason I felt so confuse and all of a sudden I was unable to do the basics.
I open up my heart to God and even though he knows everything I let it all go and tell him everything. How I truly feel and that I am not asking for much. I did not write down the pros and cons. I just told him and asked him why do I even care?
As I cried out to him and broke down I felt peace like I have only felt at one other time. Then I open up the book and started to read. The more I read the volume of her voice was slowly going away.
God you know that I would like a family to have a son of my very own. Have someone that love’s me for me nothing else. I finally told him what I can do and what I can’t do and that who ever she is would in a way overlook what I can’t do but just to think about what I can do.
God please I am tired of being alone and I really need you more then ever. I am scared and do not want to go through this life all alone I know you are there for me but just like you said Adam needed a help mate I need one too. I confuse my sin and truly am sorry.
Tears kept coming and I kept talking to him. The more I spoke the more love I felt and that it will be okay. I kept saying I was sorry over and over again. I just had no more words to say.
I felt as though he broke something in me. I felt his love true love and what was I thinking and that this church is the truth. I give up!! Going to truly give this matter to you.
I felt your love in my heart. I felt so ashamed for messing up and what I was going to do and just give up something real for something fake.
Only you Lord can help me and please help those who are having a hard time and might trade in a fake love for what the world makes you think is better than you. You know me better then anyone and I really need you to move and help me in this area. Get some thing that is not real over something that is? That can be any thing in a person’s life. I know more then ever the church is the truth!!! No matter what others say the Bible and Book of Mormon and all the other books are true and this is the true church.
You God showed me love and I know you will come through for me in this life and that I would not have to wait until the next truly have peace in that!! Thank you God even though I am a very flawed man thank you.

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